If I Had Legs I'd Kick You: Motherhood, Metaphors, and Missed Connections
- Michael Ornelas
- Oct 3
- 2 min read
I’m usually the first to champion an abstract film that leans on allegory, but If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a big swing with too many foul tips, ultimately striking out.
The story follows Linda (Rose Byrne), a mother caring for her sick child while juggling her job as a therapist, an absent husband (Christian Slater), and a gaping hole in her roof that looms as an unsubtle metaphor. Forced to move into a hotel with her daughter, Linda’s struggles unfold in fragments that ask the audience to do much of the heavy lifting without offering a clear roadmap to any meaningful conclusion.
Byrne shoulders nearly the entire film, appearing in almost every shot. Her performance is deeply committed, slowly peeling back layers of Linda’s guilt and anxiety. We never see her daughter, only hear her voice, and the mystery of her illness lingers until the final act, when Linda’s own culpability is hinted at. Also notable is Conan O’Brien, making his feature film debut as Linda’s therapist. His presence is both a delight and a distraction: his natural charm shines, but it’s difficult to separate him from his well-known comedic persona, even in serious moments.
The film’s pacing and continuity, however, is its most jarring element. We shift between the hotel, Linda’s office, her daughter’s school, and even sessions with Linda’s patients, but the narrative feels disconnected. The psychedelic imagery tied to the roof hole, as well as Linda’s swirling thoughts, never fully connect to the central theme of her fear that she is unfit to be a mother. While this is a relatable insecurity, it’s presented in isolation, disconnected from the metaphorical scaffolding the film sets up.
There are fleeting moments where the movie lands, particularly in Linda’s interactions with Caroline, a fellow mother whose own struggles mirror and exaggerate Linda’s fears. But outside of this dynamic, the film feels like a collage of mismatched characters and half-formed ideas. With its blend of absurd imagery, dangling metaphors, and meandering pacing, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You aims for profundity but ultimately doesn’t connect the pieces into the puzzle it's worked to build.
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